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Chapter 25 - Sex You nasty boy! Caught you. Now go back and read the rest of the book first! That's OK. Sex is pretty hard to resist. However, you will benefit a great deal if you take the time to plow through the other chapters because they contain important principles that must be understood first. You will be able to frame this material much better if you do. OK, read on. We want to start this topic with the following thoughts. It is one of the most important issues in the book. Please take it to heart. We want to you be around to enjoy future editions. Always use a condom unless you are married or in a long-term exclusive relationship. In either case, both parties should have had a recent test for HIV infection. Be aware that there are several other sexually transmitted diseases including syphilis, gonorrhea and genital herpes. There is plenty of information out there on this subject. Be aware. Consult your physician. Always use a condom. Always. No exceptions. Remember, you are not having sex with each other you are having sex with everyone both of you have had sex with and everyone each of them has had sex with. The permutations boggle the mind. People will come up with all sorts of rationales for not using a condom. None of them are valid. AIDS is a one-way street. Socioeconomic position, claims of recent testing or pleas of sensitivity and comfort are irrelevant. Sex is a loaded topic. There are all sorts of factors here. There is your value system and morality. There are sexually transmitted diseases. There is unexpected pregnancy. We do not propose to address any of that here. You have to go with your own game plan on this one. There is, of course, plenty of help out there for the serious aspects of pre-marital sex. We want to help you with two topics. First, what is the effect of sex on a dating relationship? Second, how does a man seduce or nearly seduce a woman? You have to make two decisions when you begin to date someone. You have to decide if you will have sex at all. If you decide to have sex, you have to pick the appropriate time. The first decision goes back to the previous paragraph. If you believe that pre-marital sex is OK under the right circumstances, fine. Dr. Laura, forgive us, but we believe a large percentage of the single population feels this way. How many people lose their virginity on their wedding night? Here's the problem. In most cases once the genie is out of the bottle (you have made love) you can't get it back in again. The first time changes everything. Here's why. A woman believes that her body and the pleasure it can bring is a very precious and valuable thing. Although she may decide to share it with you in a moment of passion, she will ponder the act intensely for days afterwards. What It Means to Her Have you ever heard a woman say, "men only want one thing." They hate being perceived as a body that just happens to be able to talk. The less attention you pay to her body, the better. Ignore it for now. When she is ready, she will make it clear and give her permission. You must be invited. The more interested she is in you, the more meaning she will place on "what happened that night." Her imagination will take her all kinds of places. If you don't call fairly soon or don't stay the night, she will feel betrayed. Her nesting instinct will kick in big time. Now, this is not universally true. Not all women will react this way. Some ladies are sophisticated and cavalier about these things. We are going with the percentages. The progression goes something like this. You go out a few times. You do it once. You go out again. You do it again. This continues, although you may not go to bed each time. At some point, she will want to know, with just cause, if you are sleeping with other women. Now what? If you are and you say so, the sex is likely to stop. In most cases if the sex stops, the dating will stop. If you are not sleeping around and you say so, she'll be pleased and consider that the two of you are in an exclusive dating relationship. This is one step away from engagement, guy. Of course, if you lie and say you are not sleeping with others, the result is the same. The difference is that, you're a liar. Yes or No? The genesis of all this was your decision to have sex. Realistically, you can delay this decision almost indefinitely. Indeed, persons of high moral position will insist that sex is only appropriate after marriage. But, please remember, we said we wouldn't go there. If you are going to do it, we want you to go in with your eyes open. So what's a guy to do? The simple truth is that guys want to have sex. Guess what? Women want to have sex. The answer is honesty and communication. If you get to the point of the magic moment, conversations should have already taken place. You need to discuss the meaning of a physical encounter in your relationship. There will be plenty of opportunity to do this if you are patient and responsible. You will probably do some serious making out on earlier dates. It will probably increase in intensity as time goes on. She will definitely give you signals along the way. If she wants to hold things to a certain level, she'll let you know. She may say something like, "no." She may push you away at a crucial point. There is only one way to handle this. You must smile, reassure her and respect her wishes. Tell her you understand and it's OK. Hold her hand or embrace her. Move on to something else. She needs to know that an expression of her boundary is not a relationship-killer. That wouldn't be fair. Of course, this assumes that you like her and want to continue dating. Once she has communicated her boundary, you will have to have a discussion at some point. The two of you need to decide how you want to handle your mutual physical desires. This is very personal and can get complicated. We can't do it all for you. The guideline here is that the lady's wishes must be respected. They have to be good enough for you. If you insist on a physical relationship and she is not comfortable with that, you should move on. You are not a match. This is tough medicine but what are your choices? You can't push the issue — that's bordering on date rape. You can't whine and beg. You will appear weak and juvenile. No, my friend, you must recognize things for what they are and adjust accordingly. Continued: Women's Concerns About Intimacy | ||