MOST SINGLE PEOPLE will get into an important intimate relationship sooner or later. Several, in fact.

I am sure you recognize this as a simple statistical reality: the majority of men and women who are single now will try out a number of partnerships of varying duration and quality in pursuit of the perfect, impassioned commitment. I am also sure you know that multiple relationships across a lifetime are the statistical norm now. Just the demographic facts.

But wait! No! Our culture-wide game of musical relationships is more than just a "fact". It is also the tip of an iceberg of anxiety, guilt, and sour disillusionment. After all, we still live in a society which teaches us that the only relationship worth pursuing is the everlasting impassioned monogamous bond with a dream lover.

A lesser aspiration is viewed as a sign of moral failure or major personality defects, a source of unbearable heartbreak. Everyone who watches T.V. knows about the shame of Heterosexual Loser Status.

Yet no matter how painful relationships and their endings may be at times, we still count stable and passionate pair-bonding as a mark of the highest personal success. And that is sort of true. Sort of.

ONE PROBLEM now facing all single people now is that our relationship standards were set for us in another age, by people who had no idea what we would be dealing with at the end of this millenium. How many times have we heard the famous phrase: ‘til death do us part? But when that ritual promise was becoming institutionalized, most people were dead by their late 30's or 40's! Through 99% of the history of human life on earth, the average lifespan (not the biological life expectancy) was about half of what we indignantly demand today. Until recent times, survival demands and cultural/religious controls did not leave much leeway for exploration or emotional growth in the context of intimate relationships. Not very many of our ancestors could afford to practice the range of romantic choice to which we now feel entitled.

BUT NOW . . . we seem to be in a regular free-for-all of alternatives, many of which only promise more disappointing outcomes.

Not only do we have to face the pain of losses in the relationships we attempt, but we have to thrash ourselves soundly for incurring those losses in the first place. It takes a mighty healthy ego to not be paralyzed by self-doubt when ending, changing, or even starting relationships in these socially chaotic days.

The cry "What is wrong with me?" is heard everywhere among singles. Yet perhaps the more appropriate questions are: What is wrong with learning intimacy skills through different relationships? What is wrong with viewing our expanded relationships as growth opportunities?

Sure, that is a cliche. But not if you actually practice it! What makes the individuals - or the relationship - wrong if closeness does not last forever? After all, forever lasts longer now! In this longer life expectancy with which we are blessed, what is wrong with practicing for better intimacy?

THE expectations of partnership our parents, grandparents, and distant ancestors had do not vaguely match the interpersonal realities of our times. At least not in terms of social forms. We certainly have far more opportunity for spontaneous fits of lust now. But we also have a lot more responsibility to understand the meaning of it all.

We see more and more to desire - people, things, experiences - but we have less and less guidance about what to do with those desires. In the face of the current possibiity glut, incredibly high expectations, and hopelessly inadequate learning, we have got gridlock of the neurons where intimate relationships are concerned.

THE BOTTOM LINE is we simply need more practice in relating. The brilliant deduction is that single people especially need more practice. We have to persist in doing things we are afraid of, persist in learning more about intimate bonding, even it it is uncomfortable, painful, and time consuming. And a major developmental challenge to the adult ego (which is, after all, only what one should expect).

LEARNING HOW to be happy in a close relationship requires time, thought, persistence, guts . . . the seasoning of an adult. Single men and women have some serious work ahead of them if they want to have fun, passion, companionship, emotional intimacy, and/or cosmic lovemaking with a dependable partner. Such wise skills are only gained in the company of others. Perhaps lots of others. Whatever it takes. After all, we can't afford to have a whole culture of Relationship Sissies, can we?

So . . . do not fantasize that we can avoid the social learning requirements of our times. Men and women seeking partners at this time need to find the positive value in multiple, short-term relationships - or even multiple, long-term relationships.

Until we all learn enough to choose something more committed and joyfully productive, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with practicing relationship skills . . . and the primary teacher is our own intimate experience. Everyone will feel much better if we appreciate the ones we have had and remain open to new ones.

PRACTICE consciously and compassionately . . . until you get it right. What makes you think there's a better choice?